Have You Heard the News?
January 3rd, 2008 | by Ed |
It’s early in the year, but already there’s a lot of important news that every enlightened person will want to be…uhm, enlightened about. Here are some important new items you may have missed.
Precious metals just got more precious. Oil gushed to a record high price of $100/barrel. In its wake, gold soared to a record high price of $859.30/ounce. Platinum fetched record high prices as well (six ounces of platinum will buy you a pair of Hannah Montana tickets). Lead, on the other hand, is at an all-time low (except in China where it is used in the manufacture of toys exported to the U.S.).
Pardon the…Eruption. In world news, violence erupts in Kenya due to ethnic tensions. Violence erupts in Baghdad due to ethnic tensions. Violence continues to erupt in Pakistan due to (you guessed it) ethnic tensions. Volcano erupts in Chile due to geologic tensions.
“I’ll take another order of them clams.” A man in Florida orders clams ($10.98) and bites into a rare purple pearl (worth over $1,000).
Apple announces a new iPhone. Scheduled to be released in June, Apple’s new iPhone will enable its user to fly, travel through time, perform open heart surgery, and leap over tall buildings with a single bound. The initial selling price will be $6,000. After two weeks, the price will be reduced to $19.99.
Smokeless in Seattle…er, France. Did French cafes really ban smoking? Mais oui! French officials are telling customers to “keep your butts out of our cafes.”
The spirit of Evel Knievel lives on. Robbie (”Mad”) Maddison, thanks to a new Apple iPhone, broke the world motrocycle jumping record by jumping 323 feet (that’s more than 1,000 Apple iPhones laid end to end).
There are “Wombs for Rent” in India. That’s right, there’s a rising trend of Indian surrogates who will rent out their wombs to rich, infertile women from the U.S., Taiwan and Britain.
Feel good story of the week. As far as we know, Dick Cheney hasn’t shot anyone yet this year (although he is reputed to have purchased a 12-gauge Apple iPhone).
Oh yeah, then there’s the Iowa caucus. As everyone knows, Iowa is famous for its potatoes. Or is that Idaho? That’s right, Idaho is famous for its potatoes. Iowa is famous for its…well, its caucus. The eyes of a nation are riveted on the Iowa caucus today, even though 140 million Americans are wondering, “What the heck is a caucus?” Others mistakenly refer to it as the Iowa Circus (which is probably more accurate).
In any case, Hilary is projected to win the Democratic caucus…er, excuse me, Obama is the projected winner…no, wait a minute, Edwards is the projected winner…
Just think, in 5 days the New Hampshire Circus comes to town.